


Scriptures from my Mind

by lili_does_stuff



Category: Original Work
Genre: Self-Hatred, Sorry for being so self depricating, Suicidal Thoughts, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-07-07 16:43:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15912222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lili_does_stuff/pseuds/lili_does_stuff
Summary: Venting. You don't have to read this, but if you still do, thanks?I'll probably post more.





	1. Chapter 1

Pulsatile Tinnitus

 

I wish the crickets would chirp louder so I wouldn't have to hear the thrumming in my head.  
Louder and louder, so loud, and it never stops. I fill my mind with music, I plug my ears, I stop my heartbeat so I don't have to hear the pounding. 

It hurts me, and only I can hear it.

I go insane slowly, ever so slowly.  
My body contorts with the agony of listening. My brain is screaming at me "stop, please, make it stop" but I'm powerless to the phantom noises. I surround myself with anything, anything at all to drown my thoughts. 

I'm crying by now, knowing I will die, never in silence again, always filled with the steady bum-bum-bum-bum, in 4/4 time, andante or allegro, never just stopping, not even in a key or with notes because this is percussion and the drummer won't leave my eardrum alone.  
I'm going mad. I'm driving myself crazy to convince myself I'm not. No one believes me. 

I tell them what's wrong with me and they say I'm making it up, that I'm a hypochondriac, that I want attention, and they won't give it me.

But is it so hard to imagine I want someone to trust that I'm hearing myself in my head constantly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In true AO3 form, I wrote a spare paragraph when I was publishing this chapter and the website decided to erase everything. It was off the top of my head and It's all gone now so, I suppose no one will see it.  
> Fitting.

On the topic of listening

 

I try so hard. 

I help, I joke, I comfort, I try my fucking hardest to make people like me. Then why is it when I make one comment and people ignore me do I feel like I'm not worthy of their time? People who I've bonded with, who understand me and laugh with me, suddenly it feels like we're thousands of years apart.   
Like I've made some mistake and they've collectively and immediately decided to ignore me. 

I feel the scorn, I delete my message.   
I feel their stares, I hunch my back and stay out of their conversation. 

I wish instead of needing people to trust me, I had to be the one to trust. I don't feel the need to set up walls with friends, wanting the pleasantries out of the way soon so we can act like years old best friends.

Time is limited and they will get tired of you, you'll be boring soon.

I feel bad laboring people with my problems but I have such a craving for at least one person to always think about me. To see something and say "Lili would love this" and tell me about it. They won't though. They never do. I'm not even important enough to gossip about.  
I've been put down too many times to know that people will stay with your heart all the time. 

People will get tired of you, don't get your hopes up, give it up, you pathetic, worseless, annoying, stupid, bitchy asshole.   
No one likes you.   
No one likes you.   
No one likes you.   
No one likes you.   
No one likes you.   
No one likes you.   
No one likes you.   
No one likes you no one likes you no one likes you and I can't get that out of my head.

 

The thought of suicide enters my mind on occasion, and I push it out because I know if I did kill myself no one would miss me. No one would think about a joke years in the future and think "Lili would've loved this" and break down in tears. 

I'm only alive so I can convince people I am worth loving.

Nothing more and nothing less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live with spite in my heart.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a vent. This is what I feel towards myself, and never towards another person. Please do not assume I'm talking to you directly.

Breathe  
Breathe  
Breathe  
Take a breath  
Get some air  
Calm down  
You're fine  
They didn't mean it  
Breathe  
You're overreacting  
Breathe  
Why are you always so fucking dramatic  
Breathe breathe breathe please  
You shouldn't tell yourself that  
Breath  
You shouldn't tell yourself to breathe  
Breat  
The less you breathe the sooner you'll die  
Brea  
That's the best option for you really  
Bre  
You're selfish and worthless  
Br  
You're nothing  
B  
Kill yourself  
...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this is a vent, please don't assume I'm talking to a direct person


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm nothing but that's okay.

Why the world would be a better place without me.

1\. I am irritating, annoying, loud, proud, and overly cocky. I am an interruption in everyday life, and every attempt I have ever made to fit in has failed miserably.

2\. I am angry, aggressive, bossy, mean, cold, and rude. No one deserves my unbridled anger, and most definitely they do not deserve it for no reason.

3\. I take up too much space. I'm a whale, and I'm clingy, and needy, and take up too much time.

4\. If I don't try, I have no friends. If I try too hard, I'll loose my friends. Uh basically everyone will leave me eventually because I deserve to be alone.

5\. There is nothing wrong with me, I swear. That just means something is deeply wrong for me to act in such a violent and evil way.

Sometimes the answer to your problems is glaringly clear. But you can't take it because you fear the reality it will bring to your world. 

Don't kill yourself. And I won't either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone can help you. They helped me, and they can help you. Look for them. They aren't far away.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last one wasn't very poetic. I'll try again

Sometimes the whispers I can't hear bother me.   
I used to ignore them, but being ignored in return hurts more than anything.  
You touch me  
Hurt me  
Cut my skin and slap my face  
Bruise my legs and break my bones  
But nothing is going to affect me more than when you don't pay attention to me.

I'm a needy worthless person, but even as evil as I may seem to you I can still feel.

Don't ignore me.

I'm growing tired of the hurt you're causing me. I wasn't even at fault to being with. You took it too far. But I'm not going to tell you that, because we'll fight again. Everyone took your side because I'm the problematic one.  
"No, Lili is at fault. She always gets into fights."  
A record to show that I'm the one who usually gets in trouble doesnt define my actions in an argument that just happened. You all told me to change anyways. And I did. But even with all that, I'm still at fault.

Don't blame me.

You got too personal about this.   
You had no right.  
People are scared of me? That's an amazing thing to hear. Don't you care about what that does to me?

If people can only see me as a monster, what will I ultimately become? Really?

I told you that in confidence. That she was afraid of me. She had no reason. I've never been violent.  
They're all afraid of me though. I'm a monster. I must look like one too. I have to.

Don't hurt me.

I see you talking. I thought we were friends. I step out of my comfort zone to talk about something I hate, to have an opinion, and I'm shut down and threatened for it. Telling me I'm one strike from being removed is insulting. You should've just not told me. I can't know. It breaks me down. It's tearing me apart. No one cares anymore. No one gives a shit about my feelings, and about who I am. I made a mistake and now I'm going to be thrown from the only friends I have right now. The only people I can talk to.

Don't.

Mom says I should talk to real people. That these internet ones aren't real and they can't hurt me, and I can't hurt them in turn. I think you're worth the pain. I want to be here, as uncomfortable as seeing her may make me.  
I still don't know who did it. Who hates me. I just know that when I'm not recognized for speaking, it's because that person is tired of me, and elects to ignore me entirely. Like she does. Maybe she still has me blocked. I won't know until she's ready to talk. If that's ever. She thinks she's too good for me. I thought... I thought we were good friends.  
Just goes to show you that no one really cares about me. They're just lying until they're finally fully fed up with me.

They don't care.  
I don't care.  
Don't.  
It doesn't hurt. I promise.  
When you see me for the lighter things and never acknowledging the darker things. That doesn't break my heart.   
It doesn't.  
Don't.  
Don't  
Don't worry about me.  
Don't.  
Don't.  
Dont.  
Don't.  
I'm fine. I'll be okay.  
Don't.  
Don't  
Lie  
To  
Yourself.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the first part on my own. My friends convinced me to write the second.

Get a grip you idiot. The world isn't ending because no one will listen to you. God why do you crumble when someone disagrees with you? 

You're weak.

You don't deserve life and you definitely don't derseve death. Why not be immortal? Maybe after an eternity you'll have endured enough of the pain you deserve. 

You know there's something wrong with you but you don't know what it is. I'll bet it's because your daddy left you, or maybe it's because mommy didn't love you enough so now you're seeking attention from strangers. 

If the internet didn't exist you'd be a street walker, let's be real. Mommy wouldn't give you a hug? You'd sell your body to get the love you so desperately crave. 

You're pathetic.

Why don't you just hurt yourself, do it on purpose, throw yourself down the stairs, or out a window, jump out of the car while it's moving or run into traffic? Cut a knife deep into your skin and pass out. Why don't you drown yourself or bite your fingers off or shoot yourself? You want attention don't you?? Then get hurt. No one ever gets mad at a hurt person. And if you're hurt maybe you'll feel something.  
You want cancer, I know you do, or aids, or something that will kill you slowly. You want to be sick so someone will care about you. 

I hate you so much. Don't you realize how miserable those people are? What's the matter with you?

If you want to die so badly then just do it.

 

 

Brighten up, sunshine.  
Think about the good times instead of the bad. You got to live with your grandparents for a time, you have a roof over your head, and food in the fridge! You're away from a man who could've hurt you and your mom does love you, she just doesn't show it the way you do. 

Apparently singing "The Star Spangled Banner" is hard and you can do it easily so hey! Maybe you are a good singer! I promise someday someone will love you. 

They'll love everything about you, from your funny side to your serious side to the insecurities that arise when you have a conflict.  
Someone is going to love you and never let you go. One day you'll have kids and be happy with your life! You're going to go to school, work hard and have a great time, and you'll mature more!  
I believe in you and I know you're going to turn out fine. You just had a very late emo stage is all! It happens all the time with children of republicans ;)

You look amazing in your outfit and I love your hair, you met your idols and you have friends and! You're mildly famous! Go you!!  
Your face looks good with and without makeup and you're so good at it and you live in a wonderful town and you have a great sibling relationship and honestly you graduated and I'm proud of you for that.

I like you even if not many people do.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm a bad person.

You did it. You fucked up. They all left you.  
The only ones left are there because you've tricked them. And since when do you suddenly type in shorthand? Since that shitstorm arrived thanks to your ignorance? Please just kill yourself.

I found out a few days ago that thinking of not existing is considered a suicidal thought. So we were right. Something was wrong with me.

I said it gets better. It doesn't. You're an idiot for thinking that. Remember your old friends? The ones that were scared of you? They were so right to. You're a control freak. You're manipulative. I wish, god I fucking wish, you'd die.

But you won't.

You're a pussy that way. Remember when you said you'd live out of spite, or to make people remember you? Oh they fucking do. Trust me. They remember you as the xenophobic fuck up who had her dirty laundry aired. You were an idiot for thinking you could say anything. Of course you were being judged. They all hated you. Judgement will always follow you, you dumb fucking cow. 

These days it seems so much easier for you to tell yourself to die instead of fixing your fucking problems. You're weak as fuck. I hate you.   
You won't even kill yourself will you? Because that'd be a waste of time.

Maybe she had a point though.

Maybe she was right to be worried about you. You did hurt yourself once... Maybe she thought you'd really do it.

No wonder they handcuffed you and drove you to the hospital.

She must've told them. But it'd been a few years...  
This is confusing to think about. And this self hating jambalaya has become a cacophony of questions.

You should get some rest. You'll feel better in the morning.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm insane.


End file.
